Saw "30 Minutes or Less"

I give it a 6.5-7 out of 10. It was funny and stuff, but the ending was just...there. It's hard to explain until you see the movie yourself. Sorry if I havent been keeping up on this sthit like I KNOW I should, but school is taking up a big portion of my time nowadays. Anyways, if you like comedies, maybe look into this more, but if you're looking for a real story, then pass this one on by.

Well, my friend is sleeping right next to me

On the couch, and he's just telling me to shut the hell up every time I try to wake him up.

That sucks don't it?

Also, I'm working on a story, so you guy'll see it as soon as it gets done, hope to see you doods soon! :D

"The Secrets of the World"

Jimmy just sort of blanked out during his Economics class. He had enough sleep the night before, he eat a good breakfast, but he just sort of...passed out. He slept through the entire 2 1/2 hour lecture too, and he only woke when someone smacked his desk with a heavy book.

"Wake up Mr. Pondnie" said the professor

"Huh? Wha-"

"You slept through my entire lecture today, and missed the assignment"

"Well, could you uh...tell me the assignment Mr. Atkins?"

Mr. Atkins sighed, and walked to his desk area, "Follow me Mr. Pondie" was all he said.

Jimmy followed him and stood behind him as he opened his desk.

"Do you wish to know everything?"


Jimmy looked at his professor confusedly "What?"

"I can show you how everything in this world works, what everyone has ever done, everything that ever will be, do you wish to know?"

"Uh.." Jimmy puttered off, "Yeah! I do want to know!"

Mr. Atkins pulled up a key, a shiny metal key. Simple really, like one that you use to open an old cellar door. He pointed it at Jimmy and acted like he shot Jimmy with the key. Jimmy instantly fell to the ground, clutching his head at his ears, writhing in pain. After awhile Jimmy stopped grabbing his head and stood straight up.

"I know...everything" he said calmly

"Everything there ever was, and everything there shall ever be Mr. Pondie"

"How do you...manage this?"

"I do not, I only know that this unlocks the inner sanctum of your mind, revealing everything about anything ever, I dare not tempt myself with this power, but you, you seem like you could put it to good use"

Jimmy looked at his palms, everything turned into a blur, he looked at Mr. Atkins, who pulled his fist back, and then promptly punched Jimmy in the face. Jimmy fell hard, and was knocked out cold.

Jimmy woke up after a heavy book hit his desk.

"Sleeping in my class again Mr. Pondie?" asked Mr. Atkins

Jimmy moved up and looked at his professor with weary eyes.

"Have fun out there" was all Mr. Atkins said as he walked back to his desk.

Jimmy walked out of the class and everything began to...unravel. He looked out and he knew what he needed to do.

"This power.." Jimmy said, "I know what I must do."

ARMY OF DARKNESS

Do you see this movie poster right here? You fucking better, unless you're blind, in which case this is being read to you. BUT THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING ARMY OF DARKNESS. Have you seen this movie before? No? You dont know SHIT about movies then. So before I continue, how about you plop your ass down, order this movie from Netflix (Thats right, you might have to move your fingers a bit to watch this masterpiece, tough luck asshole) and literally stare at the ceiling until this bad motherfucker right here arrives at your fucking doorstep in 2-3 business days.

Once you get this DVD right here, you can precede to masturbate furiously at the very thought of watching this. It is an honor, no, a PRIVILEGE for this movie to even be at your house. You might even want to be careful putting this thing into your DVD player, simply because there are hundred's of injuries every day from DVD players EXPLODING ON CONTACT WITH THIS MOVIE. Its that fucking awesome.

IF A.) Your DVD player didnt explode, and B.) You yourself did not explode from merely touching this movie, prepare your eyeballs, which WILL melt from your skull once this motherfucker starts.

Hopefully after the first five minutes your eyeballs arent nothing more than mush, and thus you can actually watch your movie. BUT WAIT, THERES MORE! If you are a male, prepare for uncontrollable spontaneous ejaculations from every fiber of your dick. Seriously, you could impregnate that hot chick down the street with how much semen comes outta your penis from simplying looking at the screen blankly while this movie is playing. If you survive this ordeal, and fully watch this movie without dying, you get to choose any mate you want, for forever. Seriously, I got bitches lined up for days cause of this movie, it makes you that badass.

Basically, go get this fucking movie right now.

"The Ice Golem"

Frixx looked up at the mountain with an unsure face.

"It looks quite...big...and cold." said Frixx as he pulled his robe closer to himself.

He had traveled over a week to get to the mountain, and that was through at least 2 entirely hostile regions. First was the Jalmangor, home of the half-giants, and second was Vatryn, home of the Nomadic Ken-sha. Both were extremely deadly when encountered alone outside of their homes, but in their homeland? It takes quite a bit of magic to get through there safe, but Frixx managed to do it.

Frixx started the trek up the mountain, which was unbelievably steep, but it didnt matter to Frixx. All he had to do was smack his boots with his staff and he could get a grip on any stone, no matter how steep.

He climbed up for a good hour or two before he decided to take a break. He took off his backpack and pulled out a few pieces of bread.

"This sure is tiring..."Frixx mumbled as he looked at his feet, which were sore, even with the help of magic to ease the pain. He ended up dozing off for an hour or so, and was rather rudely awakened by a man with a balaclava over his mouth.

"Get up" said the man

"Okay! Okay!" said Frixx, "What do you want?"

"Gimme all of your valuables, or else I'll throw you off of my mountain"

"I really advise you just leave, and forget I ever was here"

"Oi! I am the one makin' the offers here"

"This is your last chance friend..." said Frixx

"HA, I'm not gonna let some little punk demand that I lea-"

The bandit was cut off as Frixx moved his hand toward the man slightly, and the man dropped.

Frixx walked over to the man and looked into his eyes, the only part of the bandits body that could move, and said to him "I'm awfully sorry I have to do this, but I did warn you"

Frixx touched the bandits chest and ripped off his shirt. He made a gesture as if he was grabbing something from the bandit's chest, and a pale haze of smoke erupted from the bandit's heart. Frixx grabbed it, pulled it in, and then absorbed it into his own body.

"I told you..." Frixx said as he started to trek up the mountain again "I told you to just leave"

After a few hours Frixx made it to the top of the mountain. A throne sat atop the summit with a large warrior encased in ice sitting in it. Frixx took off his robe to unveil a machine-like chest cavity filled with cogs and gears. He twisted a knob and he started emitting a long, pale smoke trail. He grabbed his staff and stuck it into the ground and twisted it, the ice began to crack, and the warrior burst out of the ice, and stood up, back straight.

"Impressive" said Frixx.

The pale haze touched the warrior, and it's eyes lit up with a red hue.

Frixx fell on the ground as the last of the smoke left his chest.

The warrior started moving, and then said "This body...." as he started to descend the mountain, "It is mine"

"Into the deep dark"

This is a continuation of "The Beginning of a Long Journey Home"

Santo strode up to a group of guardsmen and asked where the leader of the group was, and the guardsmen pointed him to an elaborate tent over in the corner of the field. Santo walked there, and looked to his left, only to see a ditch with about 5-6 corpses in it, all presumably adventurers who also tried to secure the dungeon and failed.

He walked up to the leader, a small man, at least to Santo, and said "Are you the leader of this camp?"

"Yes I am"

"What needs to be done"

"I am willing to pay anyone a substantial amount of gold if they can clear this dungeon and secure a definite safe route to its treasure room"

"How do you know that it has treasure in it?"

"Well, this is an old fortress you see, and similar ones have been found in the past, all holding large amounts of rare items"

"How do you know it has not been looted?"

"Because immediatly upon entering, skeleton guards attack"

"Very well"

Santo then walked off to grab a drink from a merchant in the camp. After he grabbed a waterskin, he saw a few men around the camp. One man had a patch over his eye and a shortsword, another had on a funny looking spiked helmet, but one caught Santo's eye; a man with a black set of armor who looked rather intimidating. Santo walked up to the man and asked for his name.

"You do not seem like these other mercenaries" said Santo, "You dont look...pathetic"

"I'll take that as a compliment, but you'd best hold your tongue next time" said the man

"Ha! We have a mouth on this one!" said Santo, "Look over there" as Santo pointed to the ditch, "That is our fate if we go in alone, would you like to join me? We shall split the gold reward"

"A modest proposal, I...accept." said the man, "And my name is Kyras"

"I am Santo"

"Well, let me finish preparing, then we can head inside" said Kyras as he walked away

Santo sat down by some trees and dozed off, only to be awoken by Kyras kicking his leg.

"Wake up Santo, I found more adventurers" said Kyras

"Why did you grab more adve-" said Santo before he was cut off.

"I want to live through this, and the more people we hav, the better off we are" said Kyras, then he pointed to a small female dwarf  "This is Lady Amile", then to elven monk "This is Allen Pryce" and finally to a man with a boot on his head "This is...boothead..."

"Why do you have a boot on your head?"

"Because my name is boothead...or maybe because I have a boot on my head, my name is boothead, I forget which entirely" said Boothead

"Err...alrightttttt" said Santo

"Are we all ready?" said Allen

"We should probably seek out a mage for counseling" said Kyras, who looked over his shoulder to a witch with a cauldron.

"I shall do speak to her!" said boothead as he ran off to talk to the witch

Boothead introduced himself as he usually did, "Hello! I am boothead, wearer of shoes!"

"I am Momaya" said the witch plainly, disregarding Bootheads stupidity

"What advice can you give to us, oh wise Momaya?" Said Boothead

"Well, all I know it that the skeletons, are somehow controlled" said the witch

"Well then! I shall be on my way!" yelled Boothead as he happily strode back to the group.

"What did she say?" asked Kyras

"The skelly's are being controlled by something!" said Boothead as he started walking to the entrance

"Well, we might as well get going" said Santo as everyone walked into the mouth of the dungeon.

It was unbelievably dark in the cave, but luckily most of the party had low-light vision, except Santo, who was blind as a bat.

"I cannot see my own hands! said Santo

Allen Pryce looked through his bag and pulled out a little necklace and said "This will cast light, just dont drop it"

Santo took the necklace and instantly the cave lit up so he could see.

Allen had taken off his monk robes and put on a set of leather armor decorated with knives and dagger.

"You are no monk!" yelled Santo

"You are quick to catch on my friend!" said Allen, "I am a rogue, thief, pickpocket, whatever you may like to call me"

"Just do not attempt to thieve from me if you would like to live" said Santo.

The party continued down the caven until they reached a solid stone floor, elegantly crafted with elaborate designs in the stonework. They saw a door on their right, which Santo tried to open, but it was locked.

"Its locked?" said Allen, "This is my type of j-" was all he could say before Santo broke the door down with his mace.

"I have no need for your lock picks when I have my weapon in hand" said Santo.

They looked into the room and quickly searched it, finding nothing of value, they continued down the hallway. They saw a giant door on their right, which Santo immediately tried to bash in, but to no avail.

"Typical brute..." mumbled Allen.

Off in the distance they heard a shuffling of bone on stone.

"Ready your weapons!" shouted Kyras

Everyone drew their weapons, with the exception of Boothead, who readied his mind for a skull-crushing force kick attack. A single skeleton appeared out of the shadows, its gaping jaw wide open as it dragged its crude weapon, a rusty scimitar. Santo rushed the skeleton and smacked its shield with his mace, denting it. Kyras then slashed at the skeleton, cutting off its left arm, which was holding the shield. Next, Allen threw a dagger, which missed completely. Finally, Boothead let out a psyonic kick that shattered the damaged skeleton.

Santo searched the remains and found a necklace, which he stashed in his pocket. The group continued along the hallway, trying to open any and every door they came across.

Upon opening a door, they peeked inside to see eight skeletons patrolling an area. They all turned around, silently closed the door, and set a trap that would alert the party if the skeletons left the room.

They continued along the corridor until Allen told the party to stop.

"I see something ahead" said Allen as he readied his dagger.

Up ahead there was a skeleton that was facing away from the party, unmoving. Allen started sneaking up on the skeleton, which was still not moving. He got literally a foot away from the skeleton when suddenly its head quickly twisted and locked onto Allen, which surprised even him, and the skeleton made a quick slash with his sword, cutting Allen's stomach. Allen slurched back in pain as Santo ran up on the skeleton and knocked its head off in a fit of rage.

"It was a sentienal" said Amile

"I noticed" cried Allen in pain

"I got it, I got it" said Amile as she touched the stomach wound and it magically sealed itself up.

The party continued down the hallway (It was very long) and eventually came to a set of stairs leading down.

"I shall lead" said Santo proudly, as the party descended to the 2nd floor.

TO BE CONTINUED

ALSO, THIS IS PRETTY MUCH WHAT HAPPENED IN OUR DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS GROUP. Hope you enjoyed it [:

"Now You See Me"

James looked out of his window and saw the man peeking from behind the tree.

"He still out there" he whispered to himself as he was shaking like a leaf.

Jason paced his room several times, still thinking about the man staring at his window.

"He's been there for more than a day now!" said James as he was walking around his bedroom, "He just wont leave! I've called the cops, but they wont help me at all!"

James sat down and decided to open up a book to try and calm his nerves. He fiddled around with "Open Arms" before getting anxious and throwing the book aside, then grabbed "The Art of War" before quickly tiring of that too. He jumped up out of his bed and ran to the window, but made sure not to have his head visible. He quickly peeked out of his blinds, and didn't see a trace of the man.

"Oh thank go-" James was saying until he caught a glimpse of something moving in his peripheral vision.

"Do not turn around" said the man as James heard the clicking of a gun.

"You will do exactly as I say, or else I will kill you"

James was shaking harder than ever, trembling at every word the man spoke.

"I want you to leave your house right now"

James tried to open the door, but it was jammed.

"I-It wont budge!" yelled James as he tried pulling on the knob.

"Then break it down" said the man

James picked up a chair from the desk in the corner and bashed the door in with it, and stepped through the hole in the oak. James walked down the hallway at the man's request, where he met another door, heavier than the last one.

"I cant break this one!" he said as he was bashing the chair on the door to no avail.

"Use the windows" said the man

James broke the windows and managed to squeeze out quickly, and tried to make a run for it.

"DONT YOU FUCKING MOVE ONE MORE STEP" yelled the man, and James instantly locked up.

"We're going for a little walk" said the man.

James walked down a few blocks, and every few minutes the man would tell him to not look so nervous.

"Stop looking around so much"
"I put the gun away, so its not like anyone will think I really have one on me"
"Don't you dare call for help, or else I blow both of you away"

They eventually made it to a corner-store called "Lemur's" where the man stopped James.

"Look in the bin next to the store, there is a gun, grab it and rob the store"

James reluctantly scurried off to get the gun, and went into the store as casually as he could.

"Hey man" he said to the cleck, "Do you see anyone on those cameras outside?"

The clerk looked at the cameras but didnt see anyone.

"Err Nob-" was all the clerk said before he had a .45 point right as his nose.

"I'm sorry man, but there's this guy and he sa-" James stopped as he looked out the store window and he saw the man shake his head as if to say "Don't tell him about me"

"..J-Just gimme all your cash!" yelled James, and the clerk immediately started laying out 100s on the table for James, pretty slowly.

James picked up the stacks and left in a hurry, but as he got outside he saw an entire police squadron parked around the store.

"PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON SIR" said a police officer on a megaphone

James looked back to where the man was and yelled "There's a man over there threatening to kill me if I didnt do what he said!"

The police asked him to lower his weapon again, and James complied. An officer quickly came up and handcuffed him. James saw the officers search around the dead end that the man was hiding in, but didnt find anyone.

As James was being put into the squad car, he over heard one of the officer's talking on him mic, saying "Valley Mental? We have one of your patients in our custody, he robbed a store and blamed in on an invisible man, we're taking him downtown right away"